Paul DelGrosso | LICSW, LCSW-C

Allowing Children to Fail

Sun, 08 Feb 2026 22:40:53 GMT

How Falling Short Prepares Us for Life

Russell Shaw’s timely new essay in The Atlantic addresses why allowing children to fail is essential to their ability to develop effective coping skills and grow into emotionally sturdy adults. Among his many important observations, Shaw notes the impact on children’s mental health when constant striving and perfectionism becomes the only goal. This process impacts parents, too, who worry that even the slightest misstep will lead their child to fall behind and not able to succeed in life. As Shaw notes, this approach often leads to the opposite outcome.

With over 20 years of experience working as a therapist in the DC area, I frequently see how constant striving and perfectionism impacts children and parents. Constant striving is something many of these highly accomplished parents know firsthand. Also, given the high degree of stress in the world today and worry for the future, I understand why many see constant striving as the best way to feel prepared.

Changing coping strategies that are driven by anxiety or fear is not easy. Helping individuals and families understand how they got here and the valid reasons why is an important first step.

I often use Schema Therapy to provide a frame for this dynamic. Schemas are deeply ingrained patterns of thoughts, feelings, and behaviors. One of the 18 schemas identified by Jeffrey Young PhD is unrelenting standards . While having high standards is not necessarily problematic, constant striving and a need for perfectionism can contribute to a host of mental health challenges – including anxiety, depression, loneliness and shame.

When schemas activate, the behavior that ensues is called a mode. Unrelenting standards often leads to overcompensatory modes that convince people that perfectionism is laudable and should be the only desired goal.

Those with this schema-mode disposition can learn how this pattern evolved and, through experiential exercises, access healthier parts of themselves. Striving can still be a part of life, although when healthier modes are in charge one generally experiences a more balanced approach to achievement and better mental health.

Families, too, can benefit from working interpersonally on constant striving and perfectionism. I have found that Attachment-Based Family Therapy (ABFT) offers a powerful frame to help families address this dynamic. Too often the families that Shaw describes do not know how to discuss the anxieties and fears that underlie unrelenting standard s. ABFT provides a structured frame to help youths express themselves from healthier, more vulnerable parts and also helps parents strengthen their natural caregiving instincts. Combined, these steps lead to powerful discussions, stronger parent-child relationships, and rethinking priorities.

If you are an individual or family struggling with unrelenting standards and its impact on your wellbeing, please contact me if you are interested in pursuing Schema Therapy, ABFT or would like more information.

THE SOUND OF A CHARLIE BROWN CHRISTMAS

Wed, 24 Dec 2025 22:05:19 GMT

Music's evocative power to prompt emotions and memory

THE SOUND OF A CHARLIE BROWN CHRISTMAS

Check out the new article by Anna Holmes in The Atlantic with the above title.

She writes about the lasting and magical power of the musical score by Vince Guaraldi, provides some history on how this TV special was created, and reflects on her own feelings about the evocative power of this score.

Holme's got me thinking about my own memories of this special growing up and the music that somehow conveys both joy and sad longing.

The piece also reminds me of the power of using music in therapy. Periodically, in groups I run with adolescents and young adults, I ask them to take out their smart phones (yes, you heard that right) and find a song to share based on a prompt.

Sometimes the prompt is rather benign: "Pick a piece of music that, when you hear it, takes you back to a specific memory." As an example, I offer pop songs that take me back to being a young child riding in the family station wagon with my mother. I can sometimes remember the songs she kept listening to and the ones she quickly changed.

Other prompts involve: "Pick a piece of music that you listen to when you are sad...happy...angry...pensive...that you associate with your mother...your father...a time in your childhood when you felt differently."

This exercise almost always yields great discussions. It's a great way to get those who struggle with vulnerability to find a way to express an aspect of themselves through music. When a song is shared about evoking sadness or a memory of a difficult time, the discussion that follows tend to bring people together through a shared experience that these kinds of episodic memories are universal.

In my work as an attachment-based family therapist , finding avenues to help adolescents and young adults access vulnerability is key to the work with addressing ruptures with parents. During the planning sessions of ABFT (when I meet separately with the teen and parents), I also use this music exercise with teens - especially for those who struggle with the emotional content attached to unpleasant memories.

Accessing vulnerable emotions in the moment in session is essential to growth in therapy. Simply taking about emotions from a detached or rational mode is rarely is enough to achieve desired change. So much of what feeds unsatisfactory life patterns is rooted in trying to avoid painful emotions from early life experiences, which develop into coping modes to suit the time, then elaborate further over life, and in the present become default patterns we feel powerless to change.

In my work as a schema therapist , creating a narrative for these life patterns and how they emerged is essential. We then work together on identifying key episodic memories linked to these patterns and, through the power of imagery exercises, provide emotionally corrective experiences that are both healing and meaning-making.

So thankful to Anna Holmes for inspiring these thoughts! Now, I'm off to play the soundtrack to A Charlie Brown Christmas .

Please contact me if you are interested in learning more about ABFT and ST. I provide psychotherapy as well as supervision and training in these models.

The Power Differential in Family Estrangement

Sun, 14 Dec 2025 22:13:35 GMT

Notions of Power and Why Focus on "Power Hierarchies" Does Not Lead to Healing in Family Therapy

Excellent article by therapist Rachel Haack exploring who holds power in family estrangement.

Haack notes how “power hierarchies” is usually not the most helpful lens to understand family dynamics (citing the import work by Dr. Karl Pillemer ). Haack also notes how, in families with adult children estranged from their parents, it is the adult children who often hold most of the relative power - especially those adult children who have achieved independence and success (which, in many cases, resulted in part from the efforts of good-enough parents).

Certainly, there are family dynamics involving misuse of power (e.g., abuse, neglect); however, Haack is addressing the growing phenomenon of adult children distancing or cutting off from parents around conflicts that are, in fact, part of human life and capable of repair.

Haack asserts, “ In adult relationships, power is less about role and more about who controls access, choice, and the willingness to walk away.”

Haack addresses “structural power” in parent-child relationships when children are minors and parents are responsible for asserting natural parent responsibilities. I would add that this “healthy power differential” (elaborated by Salvador Minuchin and a core component of attachment-based family therapy ) is essential for healthy human development.

Dr. Jeffrey Young (Young, et al. 2008) developed the concept of five core emotional needs : secure attachment, autonomy, realistic limits and self-control, freedom of expression, and spontaneity and play. Children, adolescents, and young adults need healthy guidance, protection, nurturance from parents across these developmental stages in order to learn (and gradually internalize) the ability to accept limits and manage distress. This is a natural process in human development that, when delivered in a good-enough manner, prepares each of us to reasonably face the challenges of the world that awaits.

To reduce this process to “power hierarchies” distorts the reality of family dynamics and focuses on an area unlikely to help family members heal – and one that will more likely aggravate family discord.

As an attachment-based family therapist , I see the impact on families who have been guided (often by well-meaning psychotherapists) to view problems in family dynamics primarily through a lens of “power hierarchies.” True healing in family therapy arises from deepening emotional connection through shared vulnerability, increasing parent understanding of core emotional needs in children, and helping parents strengthen their natural parenting instincts.

Haack emphasizes, “The insistence that parents always have power is appealing because it simplifies moral narratives. It identifies a permanent villain. It relieves one party of responsibility. But families are not static hierarchies. They are evolving systems shaped by autonomy, loss, loyalty, ambivalence, and love over time.”

In my work to integrate attachment-based family therapy and schema therapy, I have found that helping family members identify which mode is leading the urge to distance or cut-off from other members is key: is the urge emerging from “the healthy adult mode” or “wise child mode” or, in fact, coming from an “estranged protector mode” (a coping mode that detaches from the pain of unmet core emotional needs rather than try to get these needs met through healthier connections).

Family members often share with me how much they welcome this frame, how healing it can be, and how it establishes the safety and trust needed to work on the array of challenges that inevitably emerge in family life.

For families seeking therapy to work on estrangement and other family struggles, please visit my website for more information on services or contact me .

For psychotherapists interested in exploring training and supervision in attachment-based family therapy and schema therapy, please consider training opportunities ( ABFT , ST ) or contacting me directly for supervision in these models.

On Margaret Atwood, Holding Grudges, and Understanding Our Schema-Modes

Sun, 16 Nov 2025 22:01:58 GMT

Learning from the wisdom of Margaret Atwood

Margaret Atwood was recently interviewed by CBC Radio to discuss her new memoir Book of Lives . The book is about many facets of the life this fascinating writer and cultural icon. I was struck by her statement on holding grudges. Granted, she spoke with her usual refreshing sarcasm, but she also stuck to her point: that she does in fact hold grudges and implied she has learned to manage them.

On holding grudges, Atwood said, “I don’t have a choice. I’m a Scorpio. We hold grudges…It’s not an attractive thing to say about yourself. I struggle against it, but not very hard.”

Earlier in the interview, she acknowledged naming some people in her memoir that she has grudges with (including a childhood bully) because “a lot of people have died.”

We live in an age where (often performative) forgiveness is reflexive, done online, and culturally expected (if you want to be seen as healthy or spiritually sound). For me, many of these performances fall flat and suggest suppressing (rather than processing and making meaning out of) difficult emotions. I am not arguing that there is any merit in unfettered deep resentment. The risks to well-being are high and this topic has been well-researched . I’m thinking more of “struggling against it, but not very hard” as an entry point to explore the role resentment plays in our lives and how we can make meaning out of it.

As a schema therapist , I use the language of schema-modes to understand questions like resentment. Schemas are "broad, pervasive themes regarding oneself and one's relationship with others, developed during childhood and elaborated throughout one's lifetime, and dysfunctional to a significant degree” (Jeffrey Young).

Examples of schemas that may influence feelings of resentment are Mistrust/Abuse, Defectiveness/Shame, Failure, Unrelenting Standards/Hypercriticalness, Social Isolation/Alienation – although many schemas and combinations could be involved.

When schemas activate, they prompt coping patterns (modes) that are often automatic and ill-suited to actually help in the long term. A mode, according to Jeff Young, is a “moment-to-moment emotional state and coping response.”

Within the Detached Protector mode is a subset of modes relating to detachment, avoidance and shutting down. I see the Resentful Protector mode as one such subset that accounts for the process of holding grudges (avoiding situations that generate resentment and the related schema(s) – such as Mistrust or Failure).

Other types of modes are also possible, including Resentful Surrenderer (overly deferential behaviors toward the object of resentment) and Resentful Overcompensator (aggressive, controlling, or devaluing behaviors toward the object of resentment).

Schemas and modes develop in childhood and are adaptive to life circumstances. Picture the child whose caregivers are chronically emotionally withholding and demanding/critical. Such a child may develop and Emotional Deprivation schema and, in seeking to win the approval of the caregiver, develop an Approval-Seeking or Unrelenting Standards schema. To cope, some form of overcompensatory mode may form (excessive focus on the emotions of the caregiver – including working hard to please or placate them). In other circumstances, the child may surrender to the schema – such as an Abandonment schema leading to a child behaving in a manner that she is not worthy in an attempt to draw needed love and attention. Such a child could also detach, which includes not just isolating from caregivers to avoid potential distress, but could also involve behaviors that are self-soothing, self-stimulating, aloof or pessimistic. Had this child not developed these ways of coping (limited as they are) she likely would not be able to function at all in her environment.

Imagine then, this child becoming an adult and, like all of us, continuing to experience schema-mode activation that “developed during childhood and elaborated throughout one's lifetime, and dysfunctional to a significant degree.” Feelings of resentment leading to holding grudges could activate when life experiences mimic the process (not necessarily the content) or these early life experiences. Think of being rejected by a love interest or criticized by a boss. Perhaps this person experiences a heightened emotional response that is exacerbated by schema-mode activation of feeling rejected by caregivers growing up. Maybe this person detaches/withdraws, surrenders/pleads or overcompensates/lashes out.

In schema therapy, we seek to access the Vulnerable Child mode to feel the emotions generated from unmet core emotional needs. The emotions underlying resentment (perhaps rooted in not being adequately seen or loved) or the urge to hold grudges (mode driven as noted above) are rooted in the unmet needs of the Vulnerable Child. Accessing these emotions and unmet needs can be difficult due to years of relying on maladaptive coping modes to ward off what is painful and scary.

A powerful component of schema therapy is imagery rescripting. In this process, the therapist guides the client to revisit experiences where these needs were not met. Imagery may start by recalling an emotionally activating event in the present (my spouse demeaned me yesterday), feeling this event more intensely, and then floating back to a time in childhood when such an experience (the process, not the content) felt similar (rejection by a caregiver). Once the client is there (perhaps an event when 8 years-old), the client is guided (as best she can in the moment) to be her little one (not as an adult in the present just observing her 8 year-old self). Depending on the stage of therapy, the schema therapist may serve as the “healthy adult” in providing a corrective emotional experience in the imagery. Over time and continued imagery sessions, the client’s own “healthy adult” strengthens – enabling her to “parent” her vulnerable child and increasingly experience on her own the corrective emotional experience of the need being met. Later, through behavioral pattern-breaking exercises, the client grows more able to manage the automatic schema-mode activation, adequately feel her feelings, and act in a manner more driven by her Healthy Adult mode than dysfunctional schema-modes.

When I think of the meaning that is imbedded in the feeling of resentment or the urge to hold grudges, the last thing I would want is for anyone to shame themselves for this feeling state, try to bury it (detached protector), cower (surrender), or act out (overcompensate). I would also not hope for reflexive or performative forgiveness, which could be characterized as detachment or surrender. I would instead want to help this person understand the complex schema-mode activation that underlies it. Only then could true forgiveness be felt.

Learning the language of schema-modes, working to link schema-mode activation to resentment and grudges, healing the unmet core needs from childhood, and engaging in behavioral-pattern breaking leads to corrective emotional experiences, feeling sturdier, and able to live life in more fulfilling ways.

Maybe the underlying resentment and urge to hold grudges never completely disappears. After all, this is a human response many have. The best we can do is be honest with ourselves and better manage the process.

I come back to the words of Margaret Atwood. I don’t pretend to know how she came to her current thinking on grudges. Her words nevertheless inspire me. I do, however, wish that she came to her “struggle against it, but not very hard” through honesty, self-compassion and finding her own path to emotional sturdiness.

How to tolerate annoying things

Wed, 05 Nov 2025 23:02:00 GMT

...the path to growing your resilience

In a recent issue of psyche magazine, psychologist Patricia E Zurita Ona writes about a common fact of life: daily annoyances that we cannot control. While all of us experience these annoyances, we don't all face them in the same way. Some of us are easily stressed by these challenges, while others appear to manage them fairly well. Most of us could be better in managing some areas of daily stress. Dr. Zurita Ona offers tools from Acceptance and Commitment Therapy (ACT) to radically accept, be in the moment, and own feelings as strategies to reduce stress.

Her ideas resonate with my experience as a therapist that fostering resilience is such an important part in helping clients feel better about themselves and feel more confident in facing life challenges.

I think learning practical skills (like those through ACT) is essential to this process. I also believe that understanding various parts of oneself is equally important. If we know which parts generate actions that worsen stress, we can learn to modify them and more fully make lasting change.

My use of schema therapy is a central part of my practice in helping foster resilience. By understanding which parts or schemas (deeply ingrained life patterns involving thoughts, feelings, behaviors) are generating stress we can modify them over time through imagery rescripting and other methods.

I also use clinical hypnosis and mentalization-based therapy (MBT) as important components in this change process. Clinical hypnosis provides a means to develop internal feelings of safety and confidence that enhances the therapeutic work. MBT improves one's ability to interpret mental states in ourselves and others - which, when misinterpreted, can contribute to stress, especially in interpersonal relationships.

When thinking about stress - whether from daily annoyances or larger life patterns - consider that you truly do have the capacity to change the way you experience, manage, and make meaning from it. Finding the right evidence-based therapy is a powerful part in this process of growing your resilience.

Destigmatizing Borderline Personality Disorder

Fri, 17 Oct 2025 15:48:38 GMT

"How to start recovering from BPD" from psyche magazine

Great in-depth article by Sara Rose Masland and Thea McAfee on borderline personality disorder (see link below). They mention DBT and MBT as useful treatment modalities. Other modalities with strong evidence to help those with BPD are schema therapy and transference-focused therapy. A thorough assessment by a clinician who is trained to assess and treat personality disorders is the first step to finding out which treatment modality is right for you.

How to start recovering from BPD

Borderline personality disorder is often misunderstood. Here’s what you should know about it and how to get real support

by Sara Rose Masland, clinical psychologist, and Thea McAfee, doctoral student in clinical psychology

Our Story Bridge Listens: Present In The Moment

Wed, 24 Sep 2025 15:25:57 GMT

Fostering Resilience with Therapy Clients in a More Challenging World

I am honored to be a part of OurStoryBridgeListens: Present in the Moment . Many thanks to Jery Huntley for inviting me to participate and to Sarah Padgett for working with me on my story . The Our Story Bridge project provides a vital resource for the collection and dissemination of diverse stories from voices across American culture. OurStoryBridgeListens: Present In the Moment specifically documents stories about experiences in the current social climate in the U.S. I hope you listen to my story as well as those of many others participation in the this project.

https://www.ourstorybridgelistens.org/healthcare

Schema therapy as a parenting tool

info@hvdstudios.com (HVD Studios LLC) — Sat, 14 May 2022 16:58:00 GMT

How schema therapy can integrate with attachment-based family therapy to enhance parenting skills

Click her e to read the April ISST Bulletin on ST as a parenting tool - including my article.

Finding the right Schema Therapy Supervisor and Trainer in Washington, DC.

info@hvdstudios.com (HVD Studios LLC) — Wed, 26 May 2021 16:16:00 GMT

A pattern of negative behaviors that an individual repeats over and over again throughout the course of their adult life, or displaying self-defeating behaviors is when Schema Therapy (a form of Psychotherapy) treatment is used. Schema Therapy was developed by Jeffrey Young for conditions that did not respond well to traditional forms of psychotherapy. Schema Therapy will assist in helping clients meet their most basic emotional needs by diminishing the strength (intensity) of emotional memories and re-aligning the cognitive patterns connected to the schema. We all have a unique mix of schemas that are both healthy and problematic. If the problematic schemas are severe they can lead to chronic life problems across many life domains (including relationships, work/school functioning, self-confidence, and sense of self).
When considering a mental health professional, it’s important to determine how their services can successfully help you safely and effectively navigate your particular situation. In addition to being an advanced certified schema therapist , I also offers schema therapy training .
As a schema therapy supervisor and trainer , I have the experience, education, and training to even work with professionals in the field. I am conveniently located and offer my schema therapist, family therapist, trauma therapy, and family therapy in my Bethesda, Maryland and Washington, DC locations so if you are in these areas, I could be the right supervisor and trainer for you.
I encourage individuals in the field to sign up to get updates on Schema Therapy training opportunities for psychotherapists.

If you have worked with a Psychotherapist in the past and looking for a Schema Therapy Professional in the Washington, DC area, I can help. I am an Advanced Certified Schema Therapist, Supervisor and Trainer and am a member of the International Society of Schema Therapy .
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Foster new meaning out of life struggles with Schema Therapy

info@hvdstudios.com (HVD Studios LLC) — Wed, 12 May 2021 20:26:00 GMT

Schema Therapy was developed by Jeffrey Young for conditions that did not respond well to traditional forms of psychotherapy. Young recognized that if any of the 5 core needs, which include:

secure attachment
Autonomy
freedom to express valid needs and emotions
spontaneity and play, and
realistic limits and self-control

If these core needs were not adequately met in childhood, maladaptive schema s will form. He conceptualized 18 early maladaptive schemas and 4 broad categories of modes (behaviors that activate when schemas are triggered). For those reading this and trying to understand, schemas are enduring ways of thinking about oneself, others, and the world in general. We all have a unique mix of schemas that are both healthy and problematic. If the problematic schemas are severe they can lead to chronic life problems across many life domains (including relationships, work/school functioning, self-confidence, and sense of self). The effectiveness of Schema Therapy resides in many of its healing components, including the felt relational connection with the therapist through "limited reparenting" and "empathic confrontation" as well as experiential techniques such as imagery rescripting and transformational chair work. Over time, healthy coping strategies are developed, schemas gradually become less triggering, and emotions and life challenges are more easily managed.

For those reading this and trying to understand, schemas are enduring ways of thinking about oneself, others, and the world in general. We all have a unique mix of schemas that are both healthy and problematic. If the problematic schemas are severe they can lead to chronic life problems across many life domains (including relationships, work/school functioning, self-confidence, and sense of self). The effectiveness of Schema Therapy resides in many of its healing components, including the felt relational connection with the therapist through "limited reparenting" and "empathic confrontation" as well as experiential techniques such as imagery re-scripting and transformational chair work. Over time, healthy coping strategies are developed, schemas gradually become less triggering, and emotions and life challenges are more easily managed.

A good introduction to Schema Therapy is the self-help book "Reinventing Your Life: The Breakthrough Program to End Negative Behavior and Feel Great Again" by Jeffrey Young, PhD. I am an Advanced Certified Schema Therapist, Supervisor and Trainer and am a member of the International Society of Schema Therapy .
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Tried other therapies without success? Consider Schema Therapy in Washington, DC

info@hvdstudios.com (HVD Studios LLC) — Wed, 28 Apr 2021 18:20:00 GMT

Schema Therapy is ideal for patients who have not responded to various forms of Therapy. If you struggle with relationship issues & problems, or more intense psychological issues, this very comprehensive therapy could be what you need. Life events tend to serve as major triggers and described as chronic emotional challenges often rooted in childhood and can grow to affect adult relationships. A schema is a very negative and deeply rooted pattern of physical sensations, thoughts, and feelings that can erupt like a volcano when triggered by life events. For example, anxiety, depression, loneliness, low self esteem, and functioning poorly at work or even school are all events that pertain to the Schema.

Schema Therapy is an integrative and comprehensive therapy approach that focuses on the patient as a whole for creating change in those who struggle with chronic emotional challenges, relationship problems, and other complex psychological issues that have not responded well to other forms of therapy.

While working with Paul DelGrosso, A Washington DC and Bethesda Based advanced certified schema therapist and trauma therapist , the goal will be to help the individual adapt by first identifying the destructive patterns and adopting healthy coping, which in turn will help these triggers occur less frequently and severely.

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Is your teen showing signs of depression or suicide?

info@hvdstudios.com (HVD Studios LLC) — Wed, 14 Apr 2021 16:17:00 GMT

Attachment Based Family Therapy (ABFT) helps families address these serious feelings and thoughts though a carefully planned 5 step process that transitionally addresses as the course of Therapy progresses. This is supported as highly effective treatment for adolescents showing signs of suicide and (or) depression. By shifting the focus away from the symptoms and toward the improvement of the relationship between parent and child, the next step will be to transition to alliance building which is learning about the patient's interests (and strengths).

This makes it easier for the teen to articulate and understand the tensions and breakdowns that occurred with the relationship of his or her parents. In separate Therapy sessions, Paul DelGrosso will build trust and collaboration with the parents who attend the session by exploring attachment issues that could be interfering with their parenting skills.
Professionally Trained
As a Schema Therapy Supervisor And Trainer, Paul DelGrosso offers workshops, supervision, and certification. His training may assist for a variety of people in helping professions, including counselors, psychologists, counselors, psychiatrists, social workers, and family therapists.

Family Intervention addresses these very serious issues facing some teens and adolescents. If you are very concerned for the welfare of your child and live in Bethesda or Washington DC, Paul DelGrosso can help. Please contact this through this website or give him a call at his Dupont Circle (Washington DC) location: 301-970-4001 or his Bethesda, Maryland location: 301-969-2270

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Do you often feel insecure about your relationship?

info@hvdstudios.com (HVD Studios LLC) — Wed, 31 Mar 2021 17:00:00 GMT

Insecurity, in some respects, is nothing new. We encounter insecurity on a daily basis. Does my boyfriend like my cooking? We’ve all heard the “do I look chunky in this dress”? Or “will my boss like my presentation”? We could go on, but you get the idea. What happens when you’re in a relationship and you feel insecure? This is much different and the underlying issues may surprise you. If you feel the need to be controlled (and on the opposite end, control your partner), feel the desire to give too much of yourself ( or being overly pleasing), or struggling to feel intimate on an emotional level, you may unknowingly be dealing with a larger issue which is characterizes as Abandonment. Abandonment Schema generally surfaces when basic emotional needs are not met during childhood. When a nurturing connection is broken as a result of an event such as losing one or both of your parents to death or even a divorce, they manifest later in life through various actions that we don’t think about.

Learning to overcome Abandonment Schema is easier said than done because in many respects professional intervention is most successful. There are some actions you can take in the interim such as being too hard (or beating up on yourself), putting your insecurity in your partner’s hands to help you, and taking 100% of the responsibility when your fear surfaces instead of asking your partner to intervene. Schema Therapy will assist in helping clients meet their most basic emotional needs by diminishing the strength (intensity) of emotional memories and re-aligning the cognitive patterns connected to the schema.
Paul DelGrosso is an Advanced Schema Therapist, Supervisor, and Trainer with offices in Bethesda, Maryland and Washington, DC . The next time you are feeling insecure about your relationship and need someone to speak to, contact us today.

Are you struggling in your relationship and think it’s time for an intervention?

info@hvdstudios.com (HVD Studios LLC) — Wed, 17 Mar 2021 16:45:00 GMT

From time to time, the strongest of relationships are bound to hit a snag. They are often tested when issues such as boredom, lack of intimacy, or even infidelity penetrate the core, leaving one wondering if the relationship can be saved, or if it’s best to let go. These are often tough questions to answer alone and the longer they play out, the worst the situation becomes.
When one person expresses their feelings which are ultimately overlooked, misunderstood, or ignored by the other, tensions build eventually fueling an argument or a series of arguments. In a cooling off period, you’ll go into the other room or will simply give your mate the cold shoulder when it’s time for bed.
Arguments over time often turn into resentment, hard feelings, and breakups. It’s not so easy to break up and pack a bag when there are kids involved or if you are invested in the relationship in other ways.

At the end of the day, you want to reach an understanding, but how do you do this and what’s next?
For one, it’s helpful to explore why a comment or situation bothers you or your partner. They are normally deeply embedded and need to be extracted and addressed. Next, see if you can understand your partner’s perspective. Put yourself in their shoes. Finally, learn to compromise with your partner by controlling your emotions versus using them as fuel to the fire.
These are not easy steps to master and when you’ve tried your hardest and you get the same result, it may be time to seek the expertise of a professional to help you navigate the struggles you are experiencing in your relationship.
Paul DelGrosso is a Licensed Social Worker based out of Bethesda Maryland with an office in Washington, DC. who specializes in working with couples who are struggling in their relationship.
As a Washington DC clinical social worker well versed in providing psychotherapy to adults, adolescents, and families, Paul has vast experience and works with clients with behavioral, interpersonal, and emotional concerns and offers Schema Therapy, CBT, EMDR, and Family Systems Therapy at his Bethesda, Maryland Location
When you are looking for a licensed Therapist to assist you when you are struggling in your relationship and genuinely want to repair it, feel free to schedule a time to meet in person, over the phone, or virtually through Zoom. Contact Paul DelGrosso today.

How Schema Therapy Can Help 'Grievance Addiction'

info@hvdstudios.com (HVD Studios LLC) — Sat, 12 Dec 2020 18:49:00 GMT

How 'Grievance' Operates as a Bully & Attack Mode

In a recent article in Politico , James Kimmel Jr. (co-director of the Yale Collaborative for Motive Control Studies) writes about how the science of addiction can explain the allure of grievance. He explains how brain scans show that holding a grievance activates the same neural pathways as narcotics. Kimmel emphasizes that this is not a metaphor, but actual brain chemistry involving dopamine activation.
Kimmel examines how Donald Trump's life-long history of using grievance as a means to "exact retribution" from others appears to be "compulsive and uncontrollable." Kimmel also explains how this destructive behavior impacts not just the targets of Trump's rage, but also countless others who through the process of "social contagion" inspire others to engage in similar behaviors. Kimmel adds that this "vicious cycle" leads to "Trump’s targets and their supporters to feel aggrieved and want to retaliate, too."
Much of Kimmel's description of grievance parallels the schema-mode conceptualization of Overcompensatory Modes (including Bully & Attack Mode). When those aggrieved feel rebuked or marginalized, this process likely involves activation of core unmet needs from childhood. For example, persons who developed a Defectiveness/Shame Schema due to an upbringing involving caregivers who were emotionally withholding or abusive, explosive, or unpredictable, might grow up to overcompensate for these feelings by lashing out at others who make them feel defective or marginalized. This lashing out takes the form of an Overcompensatory Mode - specifically a Bully & Attack Mode. Other mode forms are certainly possible , but when grievance and anger are displayed in the ways discussed by Kimmel, schema therapists identify and treat them as Overcompensatory Modes.
Thankfully Kimmel discusses possible solutions to the growing social contagion of grievance. First, he notes the ways media and political groups too readily rely on grievance and revenge-seeking to motivate others and attract audiences. Kimmel writes, "More people need to become savvy about how, why and for whose benefit they are being made to feel aggrieved and must decide to stop dealing in the drug of their own destruction."
Kimmel also notes the growing dangers of brains that for years have been "primed for revenge-seeking." He urges that "we must also increase public education, from school age through adulthood, about healthy ways to process feelings of hurt or humiliation." A central component to schema therapy is helping clients identify and bypass destructive modes of behavior (such as Bully & Attack Mode) in order to access core hurts like humiliation, experience and process them in healthier ways, and ultimately heal them.
Drawing from his work at Yale, Kimmel references the "motive control method," which "allows people with grievances to put those who have hurt or offended them through imaginary but highly realistic criminal trials." Kimmel explains how this "Unjustice System" is "a safe and satisfying way of controlling revenge cravings that works like a kind of methadone for revenge addicts." Schema therapists frequently use imagery rescripting as an experiential therapeutic exercise to help clients link current destructive behaviors to their roots in unmet needs in childhood. For a client with a Bully & Attack Mode, a schema therapist will guide him to feel his anger in the present as an emotion, float back to a time in childhood when this emotion was also present, understand the circumstances and unmet needs that gave rise to this emotion, and be guided through the felt experience of actually having his emotional needs met. Over time in schema therapy, these imagery exercises provide a corrective emotional experience, leading to new meaning being made about past pain. In the process, the need to rely on unhealthy behaviors (like the Bully & Attack Mode) diminish in favor of healthy expressions of emotions and needs.
Kimmel goes on to outline the costs of doing nothing to stem the tide of grievance: "relationship problems and conflicts...periods of euphoria followed by depression and restlessness...[failure] to meet...responsibilities or fulfill... professional obligations." Schema therapists use the stance of the "healthy parent" to help clients see that continuing such destructive patterns will lead to these outcomes.
Perhaps most controversially, Kimmel supports having "compassion" for persons like Trump. He notes "attacking Trump for his retaliatory behavior only fuels it by making him feel more aggrieved." While compassion for such individuals is often difficult, accessing our own healthy parts in our responses is essential to break the cycle. Schema therapists use the "empathic confrontation" when working with clients with Bully & Attack Mode. Over time, this therapist stance helps such clients understand that their anger and grievance stem from life patterns that reach back into painful childhood experiences, while at the same time asserts that continuing destructive behavior is unacceptable and will ultimately maintain pain.
Please peruse this website and related links to learn more about schema therapy. Also please contact me if you are interested in starting schema therapy.

Why empathy should matter, even for narcissists

info@hvdstudios.com (HVD Studios LLC) — Wed, 16 Sep 2020 15:40:00 GMT

James Hamblin wrote a recent thought-provoking article in The Atlantic that explores the role that tears play in human behavior and how such normal expressions of emotion are derided by some as "weak" - including by our current president. He goes on to discuss how the ability to express and respond to tears plays an important role in human social bonding. The absence of this ability is actually alarming, since it reveals an inability to experience empathy. Hamblin notes the ways in which our coarsening culture mistakes such bullying aggression for healthy masculinity: "It equates aggression with success and detachment with confidence. It fetishizes impetuousness, pompousness, and brash egocentrism as alpha-manliness—the state that young men are taught to envy and all others to flock to." Much of what Hamblin writes about is descriptive of narcissism. He aptly notes how the inflated sense of self of narcissists are often an overcompensation for feeling not good enough. In my work as a Schema Therapist, I often see narcissism as the result of certain essential emotional needs not being met in childhood. Many persons with narcissism have patterns of childhood experiences that involve inadequate nurturance of affection, empathy, and appropriate guidance. When such individuals enter adulthood, these internalized patterns of experience play out in life - usually showing up in the form of recurring patterns of conflictual family and work relationships. Those with narcissism often seek therapy reluctantly at the prodding of loved ones or co-workers. Many traditional forms of therapy either overpathologize narcissists or are unable to adequately treat it. In Schema Therapy, narcissists learn the origins of their unmet needs and grow capable of addressing those vulnerable parts they work so hard to conceal through overcompensation. Over time, narcissists can learn to develop empathy through "re-parenting" their deprived childhood parts and by learning appropriate limit-setting through the therapeutic relationship. The work in Schema Therapy is certainly challenging, yet the cost of not trying to change is frequently worse. Patterns of self-aggrandizement and aggression lead to marital problems, poor bonding with children, and conflict at work. If untreated and patterns continue, spouses often seek divorce, children cut off contact, and bosses pursue termination. While the behavior of our current president may suggest to some that narcissism is the new normal, the reality for most narcissists and those around them is that bullying aggression and lack of empathy are not only not normal, but destructive to healthy human relationships.

Guilt-Inducing Memories and OCD

info@hvdstudios.com (HVD Studios LLC) — Mon, 14 Sep 2020 17:20:00 GMT

A recent study in Frontiers in Psychiatry addresses the role guilt-inducing memories play in influencing Obsessive Compulsive Disorder (OCD) symptoms.
Research suggests that criticism from caregivers in childhood plays a role in the development of OCD - including that obsessive behaviors may develop in children as a strategy to avoid criticism and gain approval. Although Exposure and Response Prevention (ERP) remains the gold standard treatment for OCD and is effective for many types of OCD, a significant proportion of people with OCD do not fully respond to this treatment. The impact of guilt-inducing memories plays a part in these cases.
Schema Therapy (ST) provides an avenue to help those with OCD reduce the impact of guilt-inducing memories through Imagery Rescripting (ImRs). This process involves patients identifying key memories from childhood that involve being the object of criticism and evoke a sense of guilt and shame. With ImRs, patients are guided back to their childhood, reexperience these events from the felt experience of their younger self, and engage in emotionally corrective healing that enables new meaning to be made from these painful events. With continued ImRs treatment, patients with OCD report not only a reduction of feelings of guilt and shame, but also a reduction in overall OCD symptoms.
I hypothesize that once patients achieve a significant reduction in feelings of guilt and reduce the impact of intrusive guilt-inducing memories, they are likely to respond better to ERP to further reduce OCD symptoms. I provide both ERP and ST as part of my psychotherapy practice. I believe that integrating these two powerful treatments has the potential to provide a more robust response for those with OCD - especially those who have not found significant relief from ERP alone or other therapies.
Please contact me if you would like to schedule an assessment. Please also peruse my website to learn more about me and the services I offer.

2019 Psychotherapy Networker Symposium

info@hvdstudios.com (HVD Studios LLC) — Mon, 01 Jul 2019 11:38:00 GMT

2019 Psychotherapy Networker Symposium February 26, 2019 Addressing Narcissism in the Era of #MeToo Healing the Wounds of Betrayal Trauma and Hypersexuality Saturday, March 23 Part 1: 11:00am - 1:00pm Part 2: 3:00pm - 5:00pm Omni Shoreham Hotel Washington, DC I will be facilitating this seminar at the Psychotherapy Networker Symposium this year on behalf of Wendy Behary, as she will be, regretfully, unable to present this season. The #MeToo movement has given countless survivors of sexual abuse and misconduct the validation they needed to seek treatment. But it’s also brought attention to the challenges of treating narcissistic perpetrators, often not of their own accord, who exhibit belligerence, self-righteous entitlement, denial, and arrogance. In addition to acts of abuse and harassment, narcissists often engage in serial affairs and hypersexual behaviors. In this workshop, you’ll learn proven methods for staying sturdy and empathic when addressing their bullying behavior and defiant denial, and healing the shame and trauma that often underlies their behavior and affects their relationships. You’ll discover how to: Help narcissistic clients resolve their early unmet needs, including unconditional love and acceptance, empathy, and tolerance for frustration Work with narcissists involved in excessive sexual activity that includes pornography, cyber-sexual relationships, prostitutes, and affairs Use leverage to rebuild fractured relationships between narcissists and those they’ve hurt Validate the hurt partners of narcissists when doing couples therapy

Paul DelGrosso | LICSW, LCSW-C

Allowing Children to Fail

How Falling Short Prepares Us for Life

THE SOUND OF A CHARLIE BROWN CHRISTMAS

Music's evocative power to prompt emotions and memory

The Power Differential in Family Estrangement

Notions of Power and Why Focus on "Power Hierarchies" Does Not Lead to Healing in Family Therapy

On Margaret Atwood, Holding Grudges, and Understanding Our Schema-Modes

Learning from the wisdom of Margaret Atwood

How to tolerate annoying things

...the path to growing your resilience

Destigmatizing Borderline Personality Disorder

"How to start recovering from BPD" from psyche magazine

How to start recovering from BPD

Our Story Bridge Listens: Present In The Moment

Fostering Resilience with Therapy Clients in a More Challenging World

Schema therapy as a parenting tool

How schema therapy can integrate with attachment-based family therapy to enhance parenting skills

Finding the right Schema Therapy Supervisor and Trainer in Washington, DC.

Foster new meaning out of life struggles with Schema Therapy

Tried other therapies without success? Consider Schema Therapy in Washington, DC

Is your teen showing signs of depression or suicide?

Do you often feel insecure about your relationship?

Are you struggling in your relationship and think it’s time for an intervention?

How Schema Therapy Can Help 'Grievance Addiction'

How 'Grievance' Operates as a ﻿ Bully & Attack Mode

Why empathy should matter, even for narcissists

Guilt-Inducing Memories and OCD

2019 Psychotherapy Networker Symposium

How 'Grievance' Operates as a Bully & Attack Mode